I realised that i was punching above my weight. I saw a photo of his absolutly  stunning ex- girlfriend, and immediately realised, i should just be happy with an awesome friend.

A handsome, awesome, funny,friend.

I wait for a sign, i want a sign. This could go on for years at this rate. The thing is that he is very attractive and i know that other women notice him, and in my heart i probably know i couldn’t could compare to the endless reams of of femal admireres. I see them all and i realise all (well most) of them are  these women comform to what society considers (and probably what he considers) attractive. These women are mostly white are all white, tall conform to the european T.O.A.ST  aesthetic (tits on a stick).

Then i felt like a fool, who am i This petite black girl, with her with bottom ,smallish breasts, holding a silent candle for this guy who could pick and choose from so many women who society holds above me.

Surely i cannot win in this situation. i wish i could, he is clever, smart and funny and physically fit sexy and just all i want in a man.

Maybe i should just settle for friendship… Is that the better option. I should keep the lid on my lust.

advice is gratefully recieved.

This is not Rhetorical……..

Ideas anyone???

If anyone wants to know the back story it’s in my previous post!!

There is an impression that everyone has in their head of the kind of partner  that they commonly have and the kind of person who is interested in them.

I know the kind of man who commonly approaches me, Black/ Asian (indian sub- continental variety), 18- 60 (for Black men) 45 (for Asian men) . Occasionally the odd drunk and horny white  man who thinks, that i  am fast, bless they look so saddened  when i say i don’t sleep with strangers.

So how surprised when a straight and totally sober white man of my own age started flirting with me, and didn’t think that flirting was pre-requite to me sleeping with him at any point. Refreshing.

So when this guy and i were working together and we were merrily joshing along, i thought very little of  it. Until my co-worker asked  “hey Lifeisannoying  do you  have a man?”  and i thought  nothing of that question because we had been talking about her relationship. I answered “no, i just have so much to accomplish and that while i love men, i need to concentrate  on finding a flat, finally learning to drive, buying a car, then finally find someone to share my life with.”  I was upbeat and smily, because i meant every word of the sentence.

She smiled back at me ” do you and logos, like each other?”  I was taken aback,  it unexpected, i had just never considered that he might like me in that way.  It was like from that moment i saw him with new eyes, he was not bad looking at all. I knew he had brilliant sense of humour because we had shared so many jokes and we had the same sense of humour. I noticed if i said anything remotely saucy i could make him blush. i noticed him looking at me , when i looked up from my computer. or desk.The most intense look anyone has given me. Staring, deep and penetrating.

Suddenly i became so curious about him, the more i enquired, the more he witheld, saying “i like the fact you want something from me” he smiled and  sauntered off the tease.

He had been cranking it up all week. He comes over from his desk and starts a casual conversation, slips in a juicy tid-bit about this and that. Waits for me to ask a question about said tid-bit….. smiles and walks off even when i call out for him to come back.

It’s a emotion half lust and half irritation. I would pursue him but i know i do not want to appear lazy and slovenly to my colleagues who may have noticed the flirtation amping up over the past month or so…. I admit sometimes i am impatient for him to come over to my desk, with his paperwork, or query. sometimes while doing my work, i feel like i am filling  time until  he comes over.

I just want to do him and get these feelings out of the way. The fact that i have these bad intentions, surprises me. 

I feel nervous, i have only asked out one man in my life and that was a bust, so i always let men do the asking, but what i realised was most of those guys were hardly stellar. So there is nothing to stop me. Except my own nervousness. I am not a perfect woman, of course there is no such thing. But i have had eczema, i have scars, apart from that i feel pretty  good about myself. But most guys aren’t so understanding. With so many young women out there without scaring to suddenly see scarring might be shocking.

So can my self esteem stand to ask him, could it cope with possible rejection, would it cope if the sight of my body was repulsive to him? Who knows.

I do want him because he gets under my skin in a way i cannot articulate well.   I just  have to be sure, before i approach him, that he actually likes me, nothing is worse than fucking up a good friendship. I have to be sure that he wont find my body repulsive, it’s my body i cannot separate from it, it has it’s flaws but i have grown to love them.

But i closing, i must add, maybe this is all a pipe dream to distract myself from what the gynocologist said (see my last post), about needing to have children and have them fairly soon (this is the twitter short version). I could be projecting these feelings, and over anlysing after all.

I’ll let you all know what happens

I’ve been away from this for quite a while.  But lets gets stuck right in.

I went to the doctor in febuary, because of my recurrant unbearably painful piles, turns out they weren’t the only thing causing me terrible pain, i had numerous fibriods. They had distended my womb so much that although my stomach  looks flat,  the gynocologist said if my abs weren’t in such good shape i would look very different. My womb was bulky enough to be 4 months pregnant.

I didn’t have a response because it was a huge surprise to me. Then it came to me much later when i realised that i could well end up like my Aunt Audrey who lost her womb to fibriods at age 35, or more appropriately to a hystorectomy. i had numerous meetings with my lovely NHS Gynocologist, who was warm and very friendly.

We discussed my options, treatments, the pro’s and cons of each treatment. My lovely doctor was gentle but firm when he told me explicitly what each procedure would ensue, what the possible outcome could be.  At one moment when confronted with the possibility of having a treatment and going in ovarian failure (worst case scenario- plan for the worst hope for the best is my motto) i realised that i wanted to have a child. Then  i realised how difficult it would be for me i wanted to cry. But i didn’t because it wouldn’t help me or my situation.

It feels impossible, because  I can’t even keep a boyfriend, how could i have or procure a father for my child. I live at home, i wouldn’t want to bring a child into a home that wasn’t mine. I want my child to have a good quality of  life i don’t want them to go hungry, i don’t want them to feel  that they cause me to struggle financially, i want them to go to see their ancestral home in the caribbean, like i have .

So having just started a job a few months previous, having no boyfriend who wants to commit to me, i began to feel depressed.  At night i cried and comforted myself with thoughts full of hope. My mother doesn’t understand, she is  and was a great beauty in her day, i am her shadow imitation.  she   had many suitors, she is so far removed  from my situation although she cares, she  doesn’t understand.

I looked at all the men who had been my partners boyfriends and lovers, and i assessed them for suitability.

Brown, early thirties, commitment phobic at times but  loving in intent. He speaks in riddles. One day he says he wants to be your, you can take him, he surrenders to you, the next time he is his own man,  and you cannot own him, you are possesive. He has two minds  he is schizotoid with his emotions. If  i could just get him to answer me truthfully if he wants me i could make a decision about him. But i get the feeling that he is holding out for someone he considers better. I always get the feeling that he is hopes for an african bride and  not the  west indian bride that i would be. It’s our bone of contention, i love my heritage and i will never relinquish it, i would never ask him to downplay his heritage, so why would he ask me to do that  to mine.

Then there is my first love, the problem would be that, we live an ocean apart, we have never lived anything resembling normal life together. We were always chaparoned.Although i do know that i love him, there has a always been him in my heart. He is truthful ,strong and honest, loving and truely great.He is also good looking which is always a good thing.  We have heritage and culture in common. But i would want to move to be with him. However there is the small matter of my mother’s dissaproval,  his mother was a teenage mother and has a hard life. She is now a recovering alcoholic, he looks after her, makes sure she doesn’t start up with the boozing, makes sure the kind of men who prey on vunerable women, do not prey on her, that’s all good. But my mother dispises that kind of life and thinks that alcoholism and teen deliquency is in their blood. She likes him, but cannot get over his background, and that makes me sad.

Just as a joke i will consider Mr Audi,  he is physically fit, very very physically fit. He is also a slut, he is a whore of the worst kind. But very nice looking. Not stable, not loving,  he is kind in the most basic way, but he corrupts all he touches. so  no he is not suitable.

At this point i always get depressed.  Brown likes me but actaully wants me to downplay my heritage, so he can feel right about me. My first love in many ways is perfect,   although in a moment of  just pure desperation  with  our separation i told him to get another woman, because i could bear the though of him waiting on me and missing out on having a family and all the joy that  having your own family brings. well oceans apart just tells all the story.

So My time  is running out but no-one is on the horizon. The dating scene isn’t that nice to women who share my phenotype and my uterus apparently is more uninhabitable by the hour….

It makes me sad.

hopes that meant that he  had changed for the better and wanted a proper relationship. i was sorely disappointed. we  talked amiably for a few hours and i dropped into general conversation the fact that i was going to have an operation, he stuttered excitedly “you are getting a breast augmentation!” and that is when i knew that i had to set him free.  he showed no concern all he was thinking was “titties yay!!” and the truth is i am having  a serious medical procedure, he did not seem at all worried. he brushed off my explanation as “depressing” . I loved him soooooo much and well to him i am “TiTTies yay” and  someone who is faithful to him.

But curses i am lonely, i have not had a man in so long i had almost lost the knack, so i accepted his invitation to his room. he seemed bored. he could only make love to me after watching chartshow tv, with shakira and beyonce’s lithe gyrating  and some shitty documentary on glorified titty bar spearmint rhino. i tried to push it to back of my mind. but when i looked at him and his eyes were closed and i knew he was not seeing my body at all. that is when it hit the fan for me.

I felt ugly and self conscious.  that was the first time in the 3 years we have been together that i can say he has not looked at me while making love and he seemed bored. i got home and took a shower. when i looked at my face in the mirror i saw my face, it was still as lovely as it had been when i left , it was just minus the dignity.

 the next few days were hazy, all i could see around were men and their women and they seemed to have it. the way they looked at their girlfriends and it seemed to say it all, love, lust, desire and that protective warmth.

somedays i felt weepy, why could i not have that?? Am i just destined for men who think i am disposable, or a sex toy to be modified for their own desire.  A past friend who i always thought was attractive, bumped into me. i felt so embarassed, my hair was a little windswept my coat was not flattering and to be honest my face was greasy. he was nice he asked me how i’d been and we talked about him, he introduced his girlfriend and she was lovely. i bid them adieu and then i  thought she is so lucky, and it cheered me up. to see that lucky girl.

It humbled me, i was so wrapped up in my own selfish little downward spiral that i couldn’t see the goodness all around. So even with my heart hurting  i made up my mind to be happy.

Then here comes the horrendous mistake, i had to run and errand for a close female friend and collect  some things from her boyfriends flat and deliever them to her mothers house  (she is on holiday). i was in a horrendous mood. i has just finished  cleaning the kitchen , making pizza, making bread mopping the floor. so i ran out with the flour in  my hair and on my clothes.

Her boyfriend lay in wait in his lair, i  searched though her bags and he offered me a drink. i accepted reluctantly, this guy is an ex playboy and an allround tosser.  after i had amassed a large bag i was about to leave and he told me to relax as i looked stressed out. i sat down and drank a bit and he was rambling a bit and i nodded politely.  to cut the bull  i ended up blowing him away, and it made me feel better for about 3 minutes until i realised that i had comitted a heinous crime, against my friend and her relationship.

in those few minutes i took my problem and made it her problem. i should have acted like a grown woman and continued saying no, i should have phoned brown and given him a piece of my mind. but i took the easy way out and used the situation  to temporarily bolster myself. i backed myself into a corner he wants a rematch with extra’s. all the way he said.

I face no other alternative, i have to tell her and risk her wrath, because to futher down the path with her boyfriend is  the road to hell.

Lust is the most powerful intoxicant ever, i have never tried drugs so i cannot make an accurate comparison, but i would not ever like to experiance anything stronger than lust.  Lust drives up your heart rate, makes your erogenous zones engorge, fills your body with chemicals. the only thing i can compare that with is pregnancy, where you actually grow another human inside of you, causing you to have more blood, an increase heart rate, makes your mammeries swell with nourishment, and fills you with hormones.

Now what happened to me when i could not,  and did not wait. is terrible. i was invaribly feeling good after a few weeks in the sunshine, i returned to the uk, my skin glowing and my hair glossy and body sexy womanly , curvy yet slim. Then there was mr audi and his sexy self. i imbibed plenty,  and caught up in the sprit of the moment was overwhelmed by him, how he was the kind of guy i used to pine over at school but never noticed me. how tall and broad he was.

 we spend a short time socialising in mixed company, i noted his scent and how pleasing it was. he nuzzled at my neck and i allowed him to. normally i would have been stopped by the thought that somehow i was not good enough for a guy that sexy, that i was not fine enough or sexy enough, but in that moment in  time i had the sun inside my body and the alcohol and his amorous overtunes turned my body liquid.

so we were just after the point when my pants were off then it hit me when he unrobed. “good god” he was truely the pride of jamaica with that manhood.  then my mind started to catch up with my body, my body had already leapt but my mind started  it’s chase.  it started with it’s insecure rambling ” he is so well endowed and has had soooooooo much experiance… you gonna make a fool of your self.”

you can only imagine how it panned out. actually it was ok, but from then on i wondered about it.  i need suspense, i need intimacy i need some form of emotion and because my mind was not seduced it was almost clinical….. very sexy but devoid of soul.

I remember about when i first met brown, we met in a night club and we  did not meet again till a month and a bit later. we had a series  of dates and did not even kiss till the third date.   we started to see each other 3 times a week because we could not get over the suspense of a whole week apart. then   3 months after we met i was just dying , and we set the date 11th november 2006.  It was soooooooooo much like paradise i cannot even put into words, in those three months i had time to invest feelings in the guy, we  knew things and i wanted it to be good for him and he wanted it to be good for me and believe me it was. eventually things went sideways but most good things do.

He is the standard by which all men are measured.  I remember when he made an inpact on me. it was 1999, it was hot and i was feeling good, i was in my mid teens as was he.  we met walking up a hill  and he was so physically  imposing he was able to lft me off the ground by my wrist using his right  hand. we larked around that whole 3 weeks.

He confided in me. He used to be a chubby child and was always around but i obviously never noticed him, or i did not recognise him. i acknowledged that, i could not recognise him. I said he looked ok and he should not worry so much about physical  things. he was a church boy and i was comparitively wayward, well as wayward as  a disciplined  black girl got in 1999.

I could confide in him. we talked about life, his in the caribbean, mine in England. I confided in him things i couldn’t do with all my friends at school. How the pain of racism affected me, how i was shunned at danced when it came to slow dances, how people treated clever black girls, how bitter it was when friends would quickly throw  your race at you as an insult if they could not win an arguement. He just listened intently. I told him how it hurt that black boys who were my peers rejected black girls as  girlfriends in favor of white girls even the white girls who said things that were racist…  How being a black girl was like being invisible in England. How some white people hide racism behind, class issues, or immigration fears, how they used white flight to make sure that they did not have to integrate. I told him not to follow the accepted wisdom that a great life always awaits you in another country. I told him the things that  my grandparents had to endure when they came to England, and how that kind of behaviour was gone but how people can hide their intent in a thousand  small tiny conspicious  actions designed to  fly under the radar. How i thought that the best way to improve  your life was not to flee but to make the country better.

 he told me about his life, his mother and siblings, his absent father. The pain that caused him, why he was a church boy. why his mother drank. over those 3 weeks  it was like something blossomed inside of myself. It was like hope,  Going to school then, watching all your friends get boyfriends and start exeperimenting, while you stood on the sidelines it created self doubt. Then suddenly there was this handsome man, and he liked the way you looked and the rapture…. liked what you had to say, he listened. then he gave me my first truely passionate kiss. it was last kiss for many years.

 we wrote a few short notes to one and other. Notes that i cherish to this day 10 years later. we were separate for 3 long years. i returned to europe, and i had to shroud my tender heart to the coldness of people.  It was 3 years  of having nothing but people pretending i did not exist. just before i returned , i broke out in a horrendous rash, covering my body from the navel up to my hairline. i was devestated. i was sure that he would be put off. i tried in vain to stay indoor and wear clothes that covered completely up  despite the 30 degree celcius heat.

when i saw him i kept my head lowered, he asked what was wrong with my skin. i told him, expecting to  be polite and then make his excuses and then  be gone. to my surprise he was so devoted . he defended me from people who did not know me as we walked through town. now in our late teens we were chaperoned at all times and we never shared a kiss that year.

the next year my skin had improved slightly,  and he was even more handsome,  we walked together  for so long, we talked for hours  day turned to night.  and i was still self conscious, but he still kissed me, he kissed even the discoloured bruised skin on my neck. we spend my last night on the island together on the beach while the tide came in the wind was up and blew salt air in. our chaperones walked ahead and we spend that twilight together, we kissed until my  mouth was exhaughed.

we were apart for 2 years, i had all but completely recovered and i looked good again. he still like me i loved him, we went out to a huge nightclub with friends we snuck out, we had sex finally in 2005 and it was perfect and i felt elated. we had been through so much, from 1999-2005. we swapped letters throughout the whole time.

i returned in 2008 and the difference was palpable, he was truely now a grown man, working  and he had his own home. he was less handsome, but still physically attractive, he was no doubt strong. we talked about life. he seemed to be made and i  well not so much. he still desired me. but he needed a wife and the truth was we never really had the chance to be boyfriend and girlfriend properly without chaperones. he is coming over to watch the olympics in 2012 he said he wants me to be truely independent by then and driving and then we can try it out  for a month, before he returns and if it works i go to be with him, if it doesn’t well we tried.

Truth is i’m scared, if he flounders he is the only man who has ever  known me truely, he knows everything about me. If he disappoints them what man stands a chance? if i fail then i can accept that, i am fallible i know all too well.

I will always hold him as precious, he is a treasure. i a perfect world i would love to be with him forever and bear his children.

 well as i have  said i had a physical union with “mr audi”.  it blew  me away, well it should all the practice he’s put in over the years. I them made the unwise mistake of trying to have an adult converstion with brown about our relationship.

OH DEAR!!!!  we both got extremely sozzled,  he admitted that he missed me and had feelings for me and that he wanted me in the family way…… if he had said that a year before i would have been elated, i would have drifted into an eternal ectasy . Unfortunately due to the fact that he had been neglecting me, i had shrouded my heart in a layer in ice, it thawed slightly.  it thawed enough to allow me to consume some form of passion. But after the carnal pleasures of  “mr audi”  brown just wasn’t the same for me.

The simple fact was  that what was special about the sex with brown was the emotion we both had wrapped up in the actual act. it was the tease the  effort we both put into pleasing each other. for me i felt bodily pleasure and although  i enjoyed myself i could immediately feel that the spark for me was gone. while i slept with him next to me, i  just  thought over why it was i feeling so low. i could not figure it out.

We parted company after xmas. I  am always striving for  the answers and  while i was mulling over the questions in my love life. i was chilling with some mutual friends. i was in the process of getting slightly inebriated, when one of my friends boyfriends lay down next to me in one of the rooms and helped himself to a advokaat. he proceeded to hit on me in full view of one of his male friends. i pushed him off , thinking, that if i shamed him he would have the decency to stop. unfortunatly decency is in short supply nowadays.

his friend walked into the fray and continued the grope-fest i was astounded, why did they think this was ok, yes maybe i had been verbal about the fact that i was single and my sex life was lacking vitality, but this was too much. i pushed the friend and he responded “she don’t like me!” and he sloped off, but mr man tried to continue. i was forced to punch him right in the eye. If he wanted someone to fool around with he should go a little further afield than  a friend of your girlfriends friend.

 it made me think about brown, at least he was always respectful and tender.   was i a fool to think that a relationship should have a certain amount of physical passion and romance.  he’s getting a bit of a tummy and  he is aging , he is a full 10 years older than myself. I am not body facist but it does affect me.  mr audi is about the same age but  like his physical prowess sugguests he is lean tall and  has just about enough muscle to show through his clothes.

Then i spotted my 2nd ever boyfriend out with some  random chick, i was actually sick to my stomach, she was a disgrace, she was  a larger woman but insisted on wearing this skirt so short you could see her punani from the front and back, she had a muffintop above her skirt so large  it should have been displayed in a bakery’s window.  but he made show of flaunting her, i thought “oh well i’m not missing  much he’s still an idiot” he came over and told me if i still wanted him  i could still have him on the weekends. HA!

By the time it got to mid february  m y body was just aching in anticipation of any physical relationship. I was tempted by mr audi  it too all the strength inside of me to not look at him, and ignore him at a party and i had to run away to stop myself. but with a man like that  he could never value a single woman, he loves being a stud, it’s part of his identity. he lives to fuck and a woman like me loves to love while fucking and i would just lose all self respect being a a relationship with a man like that.

What hurts, though is that i would fall for mr audi if i ever slept with him again. I could never imagine how much i would hurt to be  the woman in his life and know that he is out there with his friends partying and then gets himself sucked off by some acquaintance, or fucked by some random. then he would tell everyone with almost no regard for my feelings, like the fact that a woman would be faithful and loving  is completely divorced from his screwing around with any old bitch.

 truth is i know in my heart that  i have only one man whom i trust. My first true love.  i’m posting about him next