hi a long time since my last post, let me update you on whats been happening in my love life.
well as i have said i had a physical union with “mr audi”. it blew me away, well it should all the practice he’s put in over the years. I them made the unwise mistake of trying to have an adult converstion with brown about our relationship.
OH DEAR!!!! we both got extremely sozzled, he admitted that he missed me and had feelings for me and that he wanted me in the family way…… if he had said that a year before i would have been elated, i would have drifted into an eternal ectasy . Unfortunately due to the fact that he had been neglecting me, i had shrouded my heart in a layer in ice, it thawed slightly. it thawed enough to allow me to consume some form of passion. But after the carnal pleasures of “mr audi” brown just wasn’t the same for me.
The simple fact was that what was special about the sex with brown was the emotion we both had wrapped up in the actual act. it was the tease the effort we both put into pleasing each other. for me i felt bodily pleasure and although i enjoyed myself i could immediately feel that the spark for me was gone. while i slept with him next to me, i just thought over why it was i feeling so low. i could not figure it out.
We parted company after xmas. I am always striving for the answers and while i was mulling over the questions in my love life. i was chilling with some mutual friends. i was in the process of getting slightly inebriated, when one of my friends boyfriends lay down next to me in one of the rooms and helped himself to a advokaat. he proceeded to hit on me in full view of one of his male friends. i pushed him off , thinking, that if i shamed him he would have the decency to stop. unfortunatly decency is in short supply nowadays.
his friend walked into the fray and continued the grope-fest i was astounded, why did they think this was ok, yes maybe i had been verbal about the fact that i was single and my sex life was lacking vitality, but this was too much. i pushed the friend and he responded “she don’t like me!” and he sloped off, but mr man tried to continue. i was forced to punch him right in the eye. If he wanted someone to fool around with he should go a little further afield than a friend of your girlfriends friend.
it made me think about brown, at least he was always respectful and tender. was i a fool to think that a relationship should have a certain amount of physical passion and romance. he’s getting a bit of a tummy and he is aging , he is a full 10 years older than myself. I am not body facist but it does affect me. mr audi is about the same age but like his physical prowess sugguests he is lean tall and has just about enough muscle to show through his clothes.
Then i spotted my 2nd ever boyfriend out with some random chick, i was actually sick to my stomach, she was a disgrace, she was a larger woman but insisted on wearing this skirt so short you could see her punani from the front and back, she had a muffintop above her skirt so large it should have been displayed in a bakery’s window. but he made show of flaunting her, i thought “oh well i’m not missing much he’s still an idiot” he came over and told me if i still wanted him i could still have him on the weekends. HA!
By the time it got to mid february m y body was just aching in anticipation of any physical relationship. I was tempted by mr audi it too all the strength inside of me to not look at him, and ignore him at a party and i had to run away to stop myself. but with a man like that he could never value a single woman, he loves being a stud, it’s part of his identity. he lives to fuck and a woman like me loves to love while fucking and i would just lose all self respect being a a relationship with a man like that.
What hurts, though is that i would fall for mr audi if i ever slept with him again. I could never imagine how much i would hurt to be the woman in his life and know that he is out there with his friends partying and then gets himself sucked off by some acquaintance, or fucked by some random. then he would tell everyone with almost no regard for my feelings, like the fact that a woman would be faithful and loving is completely divorced from his screwing around with any old bitch.
truth is i know in my heart that i have only one man whom i trust. My first true love. i’m posting about him next
