So brown texted in unexpectedly last night.
“R U Still upset with me? X”
UPSET! ! ! ha i laughed out loud so hard that my parents gave me “the look“ meaning either share the source of your hilarity, or shut up! i carefully decided i’d just shut my mouth. my mother is out for his blood, ever since he decided to take a break and leave me broke hearted.
The man who made me weep with desparation, passion, yearning and anger asked me if i was “upset” boy this was bloody sweet! I gave up on him earlier in june. i resigned myself to the thought that he was a man with a past, he had been damaged and his heart and mind were irrepairable. I would be a fool to consider myself strong enough to heal him.
I was completely broken by his inability to show me love, he was good, make that excellent at the sexual side and good at political conversation (it was his intelligence that attracted me to him) but he never had any feelings, he was never happy, or sad or even content. He once answered my question, with ” i feel blank” so for him to express any kind of emotion or show interest totally floored me.
i responded in a totally untypical way, i was honest, no careful fudging of the truth, no diplomacy just naked truth. he was surprised. he was so surprised that he apologised profusely. It was what i had been waiting for since 2006 and then i realised that i was curiously unmoved and frozen. i no longer hung on his every word. I wondered if it meant that i no longer loved him, or if the honeymoon period was just over.
Then i realise that it wasn’t that the love was gone, it wasn’t the honeymoon period being over; I had come to realise that i deserve better. so just let him come to the door with his black Bmw, let him bring flowers. let him burn the way he was happy to let me burn and suffer. maybe i will change my mind, maybe i am spiteful, but right now he will have to prove himself to me.
