When i make terrible mistakes i can confide them here.

 I made a heinous mistake.  i feel awful, i only did it because i am lonely. Brown called on valentines day. i was half hoping he would make a last ditch effort to woo me. he didn’t not like the first valentines we shared, twevle red rose tall, big and luscious. so that evening i was settling down just on my way home from my local chinese eaterie he rings makes a few remedial chit chat  lines, we agree to meet the friday just gone. i was expecting him to cancel like he eflt he could to at leisure. he didn’t and sadly that meant that i built my hopes up.

hopes that meant that he  had changed for the better and wanted a proper relationship. i was sorely disappointed. we  talked amiably for a few hours and i dropped into general conversation the fact that i was going to have an operation, he stuttered excitedly “you are getting a breast augmentation!” and that is when i knew that i had to set him free.  he showed no concern all he was thinking was “titties yay!!” and the truth is i am having  a serious medical procedure, he did not seem at all worried. he brushed off my explanation as “depressing” . I loved him soooooo much and well to him i am “TiTTies yay” and  someone who is faithful to him.

But curses i am lonely, i have not had a man in so long i had almost lost the knack, so i accepted his invitation to his room. he seemed bored. he could only make love to me after watching chartshow tv, with shakira and beyonce’s lithe gyrating  and some shitty documentary on glorified titty bar spearmint rhino. i tried to push it to back of my mind. but when i looked at him and his eyes were closed and i knew he was not seeing my body at all. that is when it hit the fan for me.

I felt ugly and self conscious.  that was the first time in the 3 years we have been together that i can say he has not looked at me while making love and he seemed bored. i got home and took a shower. when i looked at my face in the mirror i saw my face, it was still as lovely as it had been when i left , it was just minus the dignity.

 the next few days were hazy, all i could see around were men and their women and they seemed to have it. the way they looked at their girlfriends and it seemed to say it all, love, lust, desire and that protective warmth.

somedays i felt weepy, why could i not have that?? Am i just destined for men who think i am disposable, or a sex toy to be modified for their own desire.  A past friend who i always thought was attractive, bumped into me. i felt so embarassed, my hair was a little windswept my coat was not flattering and to be honest my face was greasy. he was nice he asked me how i’d been and we talked about him, he introduced his girlfriend and she was lovely. i bid them adieu and then i  thought she is so lucky, and it cheered me up. to see that lucky girl.

It humbled me, i was so wrapped up in my own selfish little downward spiral that i couldn’t see the goodness all around. So even with my heart hurting  i made up my mind to be happy.

Then here comes the horrendous mistake, i had to run and errand for a close female friend and collect  some things from her boyfriends flat and deliever them to her mothers house  (she is on holiday). i was in a horrendous mood. i has just finished  cleaning the kitchen , making pizza, making bread mopping the floor. so i ran out with the flour in  my hair and on my clothes.

Her boyfriend lay in wait in his lair, i  searched though her bags and he offered me a drink. i accepted reluctantly, this guy is an ex playboy and an allround tosser.  after i had amassed a large bag i was about to leave and he told me to relax as i looked stressed out. i sat down and drank a bit and he was rambling a bit and i nodded politely.  to cut the bull  i ended up blowing him away, and it made me feel better for about 3 minutes until i realised that i had comitted a heinous crime, against my friend and her relationship.

in those few minutes i took my problem and made it her problem. i should have acted like a grown woman and continued saying no, i should have phoned brown and given him a piece of my mind. but i took the easy way out and used the situation  to temporarily bolster myself. i backed myself into a corner he wants a rematch with extra’s. all the way he said.

I face no other alternative, i have to tell her and risk her wrath, because to futher down the path with her boyfriend is  the road to hell.

why i make men wait… but not too long!!!

 I do not advocate abstinence, i don not believe in it, nor do i advocate  hopping up into the bed with a man you’ve  only just met. I have  done that and well lets just say that speaking from experiance i know it pays to make sure your mind leaps the precipice with your body, sometimes our bodies are racing ahead but our minds are only just getting in gear.

Lust is the most powerful intoxicant ever, i have never tried drugs so i cannot make an accurate comparison, but i would not ever like to experiance anything stronger than lust.  Lust drives up your heart rate, makes your erogenous zones engorge, fills your body with chemicals. the only thing i can compare that with is pregnancy, where you actually grow another human inside of you, causing you to have more blood, an increase heart rate, makes your mammeries swell with nourishment, and fills you with hormones.

Now what happened to me when i could not,  and did not wait. is terrible. i was invaribly feeling good after a few weeks in the sunshine, i returned to the uk, my skin glowing and my hair glossy and body sexy womanly , curvy yet slim. Then there was mr audi and his sexy self. i imbibed plenty,  and caught up in the sprit of the moment was overwhelmed by him, how he was the kind of guy i used to pine over at school but never noticed me. how tall and broad he was.

 we spend a short time socialising in mixed company, i noted his scent and how pleasing it was. he nuzzled at my neck and i allowed him to. normally i would have been stopped by the thought that somehow i was not good enough for a guy that sexy, that i was not fine enough or sexy enough, but in that moment in  time i had the sun inside my body and the alcohol and his amorous overtunes turned my body liquid.

so we were just after the point when my pants were off then it hit me when he unrobed. “good god” he was truely the pride of jamaica with that manhood.  then my mind started to catch up with my body, my body had already leapt but my mind started  it’s chase.  it started with it’s insecure rambling ” he is so well endowed and has had soooooooo much experiance… you gonna make a fool of your self.”

you can only imagine how it panned out. actually it was ok, but from then on i wondered about it.  i need suspense, i need intimacy i need some form of emotion and because my mind was not seduced it was almost clinical….. very sexy but devoid of soul.

I remember about when i first met brown, we met in a night club and we  did not meet again till a month and a bit later. we had a series  of dates and did not even kiss till the third date.   we started to see each other 3 times a week because we could not get over the suspense of a whole week apart. then   3 months after we met i was just dying , and we set the date 11th november 2006.  It was soooooooooo much like paradise i cannot even put into words, in those three months i had time to invest feelings in the guy, we  knew things and i wanted it to be good for him and he wanted it to be good for me and believe me it was. eventually things went sideways but most good things do.

My first true love.

 My first true love, is tall  broad  and sensitive. this eyes are the darkest brown imaginable, they reflect the sunlight and they almost seem silver.He was the first man to ever see me as a woman, he was the first to treat me like a woman.

He is the standard by which all men are measured.  I remember when he made an inpact on me. it was 1999, it was hot and i was feeling good, i was in my mid teens as was he.  we met walking up a hill  and he was so physically  imposing he was able to lft me off the ground by my wrist using his right  hand. we larked around that whole 3 weeks.

He confided in me. He used to be a chubby child and was always around but i obviously never noticed him, or i did not recognise him. i acknowledged that, i could not recognise him. I said he looked ok and he should not worry so much about physical  things. he was a church boy and i was comparitively wayward, well as wayward as  a disciplined  black girl got in 1999.

I could confide in him. we talked about life, his in the caribbean, mine in England. I confided in him things i couldn’t do with all my friends at school. How the pain of racism affected me, how i was shunned at danced when it came to slow dances, how people treated clever black girls, how bitter it was when friends would quickly throw  your race at you as an insult if they could not win an arguement. He just listened intently. I told him how it hurt that black boys who were my peers rejected black girls as  girlfriends in favor of white girls even the white girls who said things that were racist…  How being a black girl was like being invisible in England. How some white people hide racism behind, class issues, or immigration fears, how they used white flight to make sure that they did not have to integrate. I told him not to follow the accepted wisdom that a great life always awaits you in another country. I told him the things that  my grandparents had to endure when they came to England, and how that kind of behaviour was gone but how people can hide their intent in a thousand  small tiny conspicious  actions designed to  fly under the radar. How i thought that the best way to improve  your life was not to flee but to make the country better.

 he told me about his life, his mother and siblings, his absent father. The pain that caused him, why he was a church boy. why his mother drank. over those 3 weeks  it was like something blossomed inside of myself. It was like hope,  Going to school then, watching all your friends get boyfriends and start exeperimenting, while you stood on the sidelines it created self doubt. Then suddenly there was this handsome man, and he liked the way you looked and the rapture…. liked what you had to say, he listened. then he gave me my first truely passionate kiss. it was last kiss for many years.

 we wrote a few short notes to one and other. Notes that i cherish to this day 10 years later. we were separate for 3 long years. i returned to europe, and i had to shroud my tender heart to the coldness of people.  It was 3 years  of having nothing but people pretending i did not exist. just before i returned , i broke out in a horrendous rash, covering my body from the navel up to my hairline. i was devestated. i was sure that he would be put off. i tried in vain to stay indoor and wear clothes that covered completely up  despite the 30 degree celcius heat.

when i saw him i kept my head lowered, he asked what was wrong with my skin. i told him, expecting to  be polite and then make his excuses and then  be gone. to my surprise he was so devoted . he defended me from people who did not know me as we walked through town. now in our late teens we were chaperoned at all times and we never shared a kiss that year.

the next year my skin had improved slightly,  and he was even more handsome,  we walked together  for so long, we talked for hours  day turned to night.  and i was still self conscious, but he still kissed me, he kissed even the discoloured bruised skin on my neck. we spend my last night on the island together on the beach while the tide came in the wind was up and blew salt air in. our chaperones walked ahead and we spend that twilight together, we kissed until my  mouth was exhaughed.

we were apart for 2 years, i had all but completely recovered and i looked good again. he still like me i loved him, we went out to a huge nightclub with friends we snuck out, we had sex finally in 2005 and it was perfect and i felt elated. we had been through so much, from 1999-2005. we swapped letters throughout the whole time.

i returned in 2008 and the difference was palpable, he was truely now a grown man, working  and he had his own home. he was less handsome, but still physically attractive, he was no doubt strong. we talked about life. he seemed to be made and i  well not so much. he still desired me. but he needed a wife and the truth was we never really had the chance to be boyfriend and girlfriend properly without chaperones. he is coming over to watch the olympics in 2012 he said he wants me to be truely independent by then and driving and then we can try it out  for a month, before he returns and if it works i go to be with him, if it doesn’t well we tried.

Truth is i’m scared, if he flounders he is the only man who has ever  known me truely, he knows everything about me. If he disappoints them what man stands a chance? if i fail then i can accept that, i am fallible i know all too well.

I will always hold him as precious, he is a treasure. i a perfect world i would love to be with him forever and bear his children.

Which man now??

 hi a long time since my last post, let me update you on whats been happening in my love life.

 well as i have  said i had a physical union with “mr audi”.  it blew  me away, well it should all the practice he’s put in over the years. I them made the unwise mistake of trying to have an adult converstion with brown about our relationship.

OH DEAR!!!!  we both got extremely sozzled,  he admitted that he missed me and had feelings for me and that he wanted me in the family way…… if he had said that a year before i would have been elated, i would have drifted into an eternal ectasy . Unfortunately due to the fact that he had been neglecting me, i had shrouded my heart in a layer in ice, it thawed slightly.  it thawed enough to allow me to consume some form of passion. But after the carnal pleasures of  “mr audi”  brown just wasn’t the same for me.

The simple fact was  that what was special about the sex with brown was the emotion we both had wrapped up in the actual act. it was the tease the  effort we both put into pleasing each other. for me i felt bodily pleasure and although  i enjoyed myself i could immediately feel that the spark for me was gone. while i slept with him next to me, i  just  thought over why it was i feeling so low. i could not figure it out.

We parted company after xmas. I  am always striving for  the answers and  while i was mulling over the questions in my love life. i was chilling with some mutual friends. i was in the process of getting slightly inebriated, when one of my friends boyfriends lay down next to me in one of the rooms and helped himself to a advokaat. he proceeded to hit on me in full view of one of his male friends. i pushed him off , thinking, that if i shamed him he would have the decency to stop. unfortunatly decency is in short supply nowadays.

his friend walked into the fray and continued the grope-fest i was astounded, why did they think this was ok, yes maybe i had been verbal about the fact that i was single and my sex life was lacking vitality, but this was too much. i pushed the friend and he responded “she don’t like me!” and he sloped off, but mr man tried to continue. i was forced to punch him right in the eye. If he wanted someone to fool around with he should go a little further afield than  a friend of your girlfriends friend.

 it made me think about brown, at least he was always respectful and tender.   was i a fool to think that a relationship should have a certain amount of physical passion and romance.  he’s getting a bit of a tummy and  he is aging , he is a full 10 years older than myself. I am not body facist but it does affect me.  mr audi is about the same age but  like his physical prowess sugguests he is lean tall and  has just about enough muscle to show through his clothes.

Then i spotted my 2nd ever boyfriend out with some  random chick, i was actually sick to my stomach, she was a disgrace, she was  a larger woman but insisted on wearing this skirt so short you could see her punani from the front and back, she had a muffintop above her skirt so large  it should have been displayed in a bakery’s window.  but he made show of flaunting her, i thought “oh well i’m not missing  much he’s still an idiot” he came over and told me if i still wanted him  i could still have him on the weekends. HA!

By the time it got to mid february  m y body was just aching in anticipation of any physical relationship. I was tempted by mr audi  it too all the strength inside of me to not look at him, and ignore him at a party and i had to run away to stop myself. but with a man like that  he could never value a single woman, he loves being a stud, it’s part of his identity. he lives to fuck and a woman like me loves to love while fucking and i would just lose all self respect being a a relationship with a man like that.

What hurts, though is that i would fall for mr audi if i ever slept with him again. I could never imagine how much i would hurt to be  the woman in his life and know that he is out there with his friends partying and then gets himself sucked off by some acquaintance, or fucked by some random. then he would tell everyone with almost no regard for my feelings, like the fact that a woman would be faithful and loving  is completely divorced from his screwing around with any old bitch.

 truth is i know in my heart that  i have only one man whom i trust. My first true love.  i’m posting about him next

So what now?

 well, i have decided to let go of brown, he is a great man, full of flowery speech and warm words, but little action ( believe me, we had a physical reunion that left  me yawning). The relationship only ever was beneficial to him, he worked all over the country and saw me me only once a month, what is the point? he just wanted someone who he could rely on to be faithful, god knows what he was doing, or seeig while i pined for him. men want women to be true, even if they do not return the favour, now my inner optimist wants to know, how can you be so sure that men are like that? well here’s my exeperiance of watching my male friends and the unfortunate idiots that became ex-boyfriends.

let’s call our prime candidate “Mr audi”  he is tall, sexy and very fit, and god does he know it! he is a whore, he is only one step up from being called a hackney carriage, he never refuses a fare, no matter how ugly, or physically grotesque,old, or how wrong you are, he will never  refuse your advance. I should praise him, he is practically a public service (oh how literal!). but it is a disgrace, he rolled into a party and annouced “Jesus lord!!! one OLD WOMAN raped me up oh god!!!!” and  he will proceed against all protests to tell us in high definition , the whole exploit. he will tearfully tell you  how much he loves the mother of his children and his estranged wife then proceed to try and ply you with wine and get up under your skirt. he will chat up two women who are related by blood in the same room in the same night within earshot of one and another.  and he says and admits he lives for his sexual pleasure. but god we all remember the night he came home (after nailing a barely legal girl at a nightclub) and found his wife in bed with a neighbour. He flipped out he broke the walls with his bare fist tossed a strapping (15stone neighbour) man out of a first floor window. he  then pushed his wife off the matress and took the matress down the stairs and flung it in the garden and then drove to the petrol station bought a couple litres and doused the matress and then burned it. he left her for making a fool of him. he made her take a paternity test for his children. funny that after all his years of non-stop whoring with just any old alleycat on the street his wife has one indiscresion and it’s all over.

 my next candidate is my one lousy relative, i wont name names but here we will call him beardy mcbeard.  if you saw that animal masquerading as facial hair you would understand. anyhoo , this man will stand up for any man regardless of his sins and say “famillies must stay together” it’s his motto and he is much derided for it. if the husband was caught having sex with the babysitter, if he caught a case because he fiddled with some underage teen, if he goes to jail, “the family must stay together” . lets be clear before you stand up for this man, he is not saying that because he is a conservative family values guy, he is saying because he is an arsehole. All the example i have just alluded to are real, we have argued over them and he just says it’s natural for a man to like young women ( i alway argue that 14to16 will get you 10to 20 years  and that 14tp 16 is not a young woman it’s just a slightly old tween but there you go) and that if a woman loses her youthful good looks and charm she cannot begrude her man sliding off for casual relations with a woman who inspires passion and not loathing. (yes i think i am related to a mysogynist too) but what he hates more than families being broken over women having human feeling is women do things that are(in his opinion) male things like have sex with young men. he hates that, it’s unnatural he says. but i wont bother with him anymore. if i began to tell you what he thinks of homosexual men the sheer hatred would crash the internet. but female homosexuals make his world go round, he wont admit that, i just know cos i stumbled into the wrong cupboard in his house. the titles were hillarious….”she’s a big strapping strap-on girl” and such luminaries…

And my last candidate saddens me even more. it’s my best friends boyfriend. i have had a low level resentment towards  him for the past 15 months of their 2 and a half year romance. because of his freudian slips in bed calling her  the names of ex-girlfriends and random neighbourhood hoochies that are after him. then cheating on my fine as hell friend for  a overweight, greasy, downright FUGLY, middleaged slob that walks the streets in flannel pyjamas to get her fags and booze from the tabacconists. but she forgave him  snd so i followed and respected her decision.  then he started coming onto me, always when i was drunk and couldn’t decide whether or not it was all in my mind or not. but one night in a house party when all but the three of us had left, my friend goes to sleep and we continue drinking. the drinking i admit goes on till about 5 am. then he makes his moves. i freak out (quietly) telling him he must of lost his natural mind, and he responds not with, “oh god sorry i made a mistake” or “  man i been so stupid” or “i’m real drunk” or even “oh shit” he proceeded” to say that ” what she would never know would never hurt her, just say that we were both too drunk to know better if she finds out” i could not believe it .  i was at my lowest ebb. i didnt tell my friend because i felt intimidated that i could wreck the relationship she worked so hard at, and at the same time i wanted time to watch his behaviour and gather evidence before i  bust up everything.

 then was the final straw  Brown…. facebook, a well know hoochie all up on his page posing in nothing but a pair of diamond earring  talking bout good to see you at the party last week catch up soon. this is the same brown who works so much that he can only see me once a month… bullshit mate. i dont ask for undivided attention, i could go to parties. but it dawned on me that he just wanted someone to bone on the weekend that hasn’t whored out

 but now i will take men for what they are but not what they profess to be, i want a man in a pretty package, with sex appeal, lets face it, no man says, ” i want a woman with ideas about our fiscal policy and third world debt” he wants a pretty girl to bang and a boring girl to stay at home and raise his  kids. its not a happy day to think this about men. I love having faith in people.  but recently men have disappointed me. i just want to be happy about them.

the black knight in armour rides in in BMW!!!!

 So brown texted in unexpectedly last night.

“R U Still upset with me? X”

 UPSET! ! ! ha  i laughed out loud so hard  that my parents gave me “the look“  meaning either share the source of your hilarity, or shut up! i carefully decided i’d just shut my mouth. my mother is out for his blood, ever since he  decided to take a break and leave me  broke hearted.

The man who made me weep with desparation, passion, yearning and anger asked me if i was “upset” boy this was bloody sweet! I gave up on him earlier in june. i resigned myself to the thought that he was a man with a past, he had been damaged and his heart and mind were irrepairable. I would be a fool to consider myself strong enough to heal him.

I was completely broken by his inability to show me love, he was good, make that excellent at the sexual side and good at political conversation (it was his intelligence that attracted me to him) but he never had any feelings, he was never happy, or sad or even content. He once answered my question, with ” i feel blank” so for him to express any kind of emotion or show interest totally floored me.

 i responded in  a totally untypical way, i was honest, no careful fudging of the truth, no  diplomacy just naked truth. he was surprised. he was so surprised that he  apologised  profusely.  It was what i had been waiting for  since 2006 and then i realised that i was curiously unmoved and frozen.  i no longer hung on his every word. I wondered if it meant that i no longer loved him, or if the honeymoon period was just over.

Then i realise that it wasn’t that the love was gone, it wasn’t the honeymoon period being over; I had come to realise that i deserve better. so just let him come to the door with his black Bmw, let  him bring flowers. let him burn the way he was  happy to let me  burn and suffer.  maybe i will change my mind, maybe i am spiteful, but right now he will have to prove himself to me.

why i can’t appreciate you!

 Well, this guy who has been trying desparately is wondering why we cannot get together. well i explained to him.

A woman will find it hard to see you as boyfriend potential if you

A. only turn up when you are horny.

B. turn up at her house with washing  and ask her to put it on.

C. Turn up and eat  her out of house and home leaving her fridge and cupboards bare, leaving no compensation.

D. use her phone to make personal calls that last over 3 minutes. It’s unessecary!

 so i said all of the above to him and he took offense. he thought that i was accusing him of being a freeloader! Truth is that he is. if the tables were turned i’d be called a gold digger. but have you noticed the price of food lately. Damn-fool man will turn up and drink  a pint of milk , wait until i go to the toilet and start boiling eggs and eat a packet of crisps while he waits.

Unacceptable, he does not even ask! So next time he calls by, i am conviently going to be “out” or  suffering from chronic diorrheor. it isnt enough to just be leaving the house he just blocks and worms his way in.

so i said , sweetie it isn’t right. you are the worst free loader that i know!  so he sat on my sofa, i thought he might cry or better still leave….. he turned over to boomerang and watched scooby doo and now he has fallen asleep.

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

bloody hell!

bet your bottom dollar he will try the same thing again  monday. little does he know i am hiding upastairs in bed until he disappears because  “oh sweetie i am not here , i am shopping in town.”

shifty little shit!

what it’s like for a black woman on the dating scene.

 Time for brutal honesty, from me. I have actively been looking  for a nice man since i was 17.  now do not misunderstand, lots of seventeen year old like to have boyfriends, that is all i wanted nothing deep. truthfully i never found him, you see when it comes to finding a man on the dating scene is difficult for a woman like me. my skin is dark, and let me quote the bible songs of solomon “  i am dark, but lovely”

skip the “but” anyone with eyes can see that i am lovely. but on the dating scene it gives you a level of invisisability.  do not get me wrong men see me and they apprieciate it, but they feel that it means that you are less worthy of respect than lighter skinned peers or white peers. they think you should be so grateful for the attention that you should sleep with them immeadiately  and put up that kind of shoddy treatment. ( i do not) they say the most insulting things as complimentary ” you are really pretty, what are you apart from black?”  now  i could give an answer, but i won’t because by asking he implies that black people are not beautiful unless they are racially mixed, as if being exclusively black was some sort of ugly plague. it’s insulting.

Now there are nice men out there, i keep seeing them, in couples and  they buoy my sprits. but the ones left for me  ( oh boy!) some of them are extremely colour-struck,  it’s like they are locked into their own world where only their scale works. it’s a myopia, it blinds them to beautiful women good women ones who would be the perfect spouses.

Just a few  months ago i stumbled into a  short perfuctory relationship with such a fellow.  i  always was foxed when he said he loved the underside of my feet and the palms of my hands. he had had  a child with a young white woman, but that was okay, he paid his child support he took “princess” everywhere he could. I am not predjudiced so i thought maybe  see where it can go, promising.

Mistake, he started buying me hats i thought it was about style. he  said i should wear modest clothes during the day and avoid gardening “you might strain yourself”  so i thought how caring. i never realised till now what he was doing keeping me away from the sun. then we were talking about one of my style icons kelly rowland and her alledged body and facial enhancements.  i said clearly ” if a bonafied gorgeous woman like her  has to go under the knife then , what the hell chance do us ordinary women have.” he responded  with “nah she’s a boobless ugly” i then chimed back that “mya is  not blessed with an incredible bosom but you love the bones off of her”  he then said that “mya is light she’s a pass” i was struck dumb, i could not speak. exasperation.

when i recovered the powers of speech,  i said ” what the F^3K!!!!!” and he confessed that for a dark woman to pass a light one  she had to have big breasts and ass and be sexy for so to stand on the same platform. I was struck dumb again.  first thing i did was go and fix myself a  cool drink. little did he know he was getting  the heave- ho straight out of my life. he has now found  a lovely white woman called sharon, i am glad he is no longer polltuing my community with his thought-pollution.

 so some say the solution is  for black women to cut black men out of their dating pool, well we are not getting better treatement there. I was once approached by a young man from the punjab who said       “can i take you out on a date? you are lovely and too be honest i always wanted to date a black woman” at this point i was going to take out my phone when he added  with a dreamy look into the heavens. ” i hear you ride like  no other, like the ferrari’s of the grinding world” i  got up from my seat and left. white boys have done much the same and  say things like ” wow i’ve never been with  a black before” social awakwardness aside,   black women are not a science project so please never say this.

But you know what i refuse you blame other women for being considered more social acceptable, or generically beautiful, we have to ask men to be  more intelligent.  because it’s rough out there. My mother said to me when i was 4 and starting school that ” you will have to peddel twice as hard to get half as far as the white children because you are black and people will underestimate you.” i just never thought it would apply to the dating scene. But still nobody forces anyone to put up with toxic men, cut them off like the dieased limbs that they are if they are bad

Broody… !

 well, i am level headed most of the time. I know my life’s limitations, i am young ( below 25 above 21). i do not own my own home, i live with my parents ( who i love and respect) i am looking for a post grad job (i also am looking into starting my own business), i earn a pityful amount of cash at the local middle income one stop shop. I keep myself well, i live within my means, i always pay off my credit card EVERY MONTH IN FULL. I guess that makes me a lot more mature than some of the airheads my age living on credit buying things they do not really need.

Today all of a sudden, i got a rush of emotion. waiting in the fitting room  i watched an infant while it’s feckless mother chatted away on the mobile phone. i sat with the baby, stopped her from eating a stray piece of plastic. stopped the baby from eating some fluff from the floor.  i talked to her and we even had time for hide and seek! it was like looking after my sister all those years ago. my sister cried  for what felt like the first 11 months of her life non-stop, but we had wonderful times. i  was her primary caregiver  for a few months after my mother’s maternity leave came to an end  and before the childminder became available. so from june 2001 to september 2001  my parents left for work at 8am and returned after 6pm. it was a true exepriance and it made me realise that parenthood is nothing that anyone should undertake lightly. I washed and made ready myself and little sister. made our breakfasts and read books, played fixed lunch,  take her to  check ups at the doctors and come home fix baby her dinner, fix family dinner and make sure the house was tidy. ( all whilst changing endless fouled nappies, soothing colic and being serene )

Having that experiance, did put me off child-bearing, it was hard- work for no pay but the result was so worthwhile ( my sister is my treasure). but all though my teens, the male sex pre-occupied my mind and my pursuits. but today, that child awakened the  pang inside of me.  part of me feels ashamed for admitting it, me a young 20-something, maybe it sounds sad and pathetic but hey, you don’t know me to judge me.

 It’s all well and good but how and more to the point why? I have no place to build a stable home, i have no loving partner to raise a child with. I have no means of getting sperminated! I believe that all of the aforementioned things are so important, you cannot bring a child into the world with no roof to put over it’s head, that is just cruel and selfish. I believe you need a partner to raise a child, it’s a two parent job because it is so hard ( ask any single mum , mentally,physically ,financially,spritually  it’s hard but not impossible) if it takes two people’s genetic material to be pregnant we should take a lesson from nature and say a child needs two role models. Now right now i cannot find a man who is worthwhile ( i can find many men , but i have standards). I want a man of a certain calibre, i am not talking about wealth, or status. I am talking morals and ethics, i want a man who can make me smile , someone in whom i can trust. I could find a man tonight if i did not have standards.

But with a worldwide recession looming, food shortages , i am not in a position to have a child. I want a better life than i have at present. I need a home and then a partner ( in that order) and then i can start thinking about children. but with homes so expensive and my job situation so dire, it seems so far away. If i even get the right situation, will i be too old?

I guess i could always adopt, plenty of children out there without parents tonight and they need love as much as any others do.

yes i guess that is what my message is. Maybe the love i always seek is not where i exepect it. tonight there is some poor kid in a foster home that needs some unconditional love. maybe we all need to be a little bit more brangelina.

so is it my fault?

 Is it my own fault? it seems  like a reasonable question to ask. sometimes when we have things go wrong for ourselves, we often point the finger and do not resolve things within ourselves that maybe the origins of the problems.

 so i hold my hands up, true i am far from perfection. I am 5 foot nothing. i wear an english size 10, my measurements hold a respectable 34-26-39.  I happen to like  my body, i love my sexy pert round rear. my perky breasts. I have eczema, my eyes are almond shaped and  i appear to have millions of teeth when i smile. I can be sharp, but i am mostly happy. i can be witty but i love to  go dancing. I like politics ( yes i know! how dull).  By no means am i the most beautiful girl, but  i am definately  not the ugliest.  Yes if i have a bad day  i can have a temper but if i  never let fly at anyone  without reason. I always say please and thank you, i apologise when i do wrong.

One of my no good ex- boyfriend borrowed  a small sum of money to tide him over till payday. It was only £50. i do not like to think of anyone strugling, so i happily help out people. payday was 4 weeks ago, no reinbursment. i asked and he offered to pay me back with some sex! he has money now ( he just bought a widescreen tv), but somehow £50 is too much!  Now to be truthful i do not mind, but it is the principle . what really gets me is he took a phone call from one of our mutual friends and said he was not going out on friday because he had to pay me back. he is not the first man to do this to me, the prostitutes! sex in lieu money!

Now i take it as a lesson learned. why do these guys flock to me?  i dress appropriately, sexy at a nightclub, smart at work, classy at church,sophisicated at social events. i do not behave like a slattern.

 why?

 if knew why i could alter  whatever  it was.

I believe there are good men out there, there has to be good men. I want there to be good men. 

I want my chance at a happy ever after! maybe it’s my own idealist stupidity,  maybe black girls , with manners get no-where with decent men. I knew a man that i would be so happy with, he could not be satisfied until he was being mistreated and bullied by women. the women he choose, evil slatterns. it broke my heart, to see him so mis-treated, this horrible fat heifer  cheated on him, bawled him out in the street talking his private business. she cheated on him again taped it and showed a room ful of people (reducing him to tears) and  she still managed to get him back.

he is kind gentle and a total hottie to boot! i have known him  for 19 years and we have grown up together. it breaks my heart. but he falls for these women over and over.  it’s like we have the same problem. i think  it must be some kind of defective part of  our personalities.

 i do not want to be lonely, i want company, i want the closeness that you get in a relationship ( i miss that soooo much!). Why can’t i find it? some one to love and be loved by in return.

my mother was engaged by now,  my grandmother was married with 3 children.  i do not want to  be  one of those women having children in their menopausal years.  my mother concieved naturally at age 43, she found it so difficult! her body did not have the resiliance that she did when she had me in her 20’s, pregnancy was difficult, birth was difficult and being a  mother to the  most boisterous  and  lively 7 year old  is taxing. i  have to think about this now so i do not have children when  my body is young.

I want a man, but i do not want to settle for a man like the poor examples that i have met. (exception being the lovely brown). oh well i guess i have to   take a break from men and think about myself. looking inside myself to see what everyone else sees. hopefully after introspection i may be a better person and find a better class of man.